Wednesday, 30 December 2015

The guilt nobody told me about

Before LL came along my three year old daughter was my little partner in crime.  I've been lucky enough that since she was born I've been able to have a career break from work. This has meant me and my daughter have been pretty much inseparable.  We have done everything together.  The good times of spontaneous picnics, girls shopping trips and farm visits, and (lets not wear rose tinted glasses here) even the not so good times, like when she spilt a whole jug of milk down me in the middle of Marks and Spencer or when she tantrum rolled herself down an aisle in Sainsburys. 

Before LL came, in those last few weeks of my pregnancy, I really treasured every moment. I knew things were about to change.  But what nobody told me is how our relationship would change, or the guilt I'd feel as my role changed.  

In these first few weeks of having LL, my time has been almost entirely consumed with caring for a newborn.  With breastfeeding, changing and caring for this little bundle 24/7. And I guess that is how it should be.  I've included my eldest in all the things you're meant to, like reading to her whilst I'm feeding, including her to help care for LL.  But still, there's been a change.  

It's not me she calls for if she needs something now. Its not me she gets into the car and sits nicely for.  It's her Daddy. I feel like I'm suddenly second best.  

And I know this is good.  My husband tells me its nice to finally be that person for a change, instead of it always being me.  And I know this is completely normal.  But that doesn't stop me feeling guilty when she asks for Daddy when I'm stood right next to her.  Or when I tell her to wait a minute for the hundredth time as LL has just been sick everywhere again.

I know I can't do everything.  I know I'm not superwoman.  But that doesn't stop me from wanting to be.  I guess I have to adjust to being a mum of two.  I just wish someone had forewarned me of this guilt I feel.  

I think the transition from three to four just takes time for us all, I just hope my eldest always knows how much I love her, even if its not just us two girls anymore when Daddy goes to work.  Its something even more special now, its us three girls.  The three musketeers.  

1 comment:

  1. This is exactly what I am worried about. When the baby arrives O will be four and a half and for those years it has mostly been me and him as my husband works long hours, and I already feel guilty that he won't have my undivided attention. I think my husband will love it if O starts to go to him rather than me, he is such a Mummy's boy, but I know how hard I will find it. Like you say it will be a time of transition before we all settle into our new family roles. xx