Wednesday, 11 February 2015

Is this a baby group or the X Factor?

Ahh the world of parent and baby groups.  Before having a baby, I was aware this world existed, but I have to say, they only existed in my periphery.  But, after having my daughter, I was thrust into the madness of the baby group.  Don't get me wrong, I think parent and baby groups are fantastic and I have met some lovely parents at them.  I do think you have to pick which groups work for you though, because some quite frankly are plain weird.  And just so you know, the majority come with singing. 

Now, I completely understand the benefits of singing to your little one. It promotes their speech, encourages interaction and really strengthens that mother and baby bond.  There is nothing that me and daughter like doing more than putting on Mary Poppins and proceeding to dance and sing around the dog. But, my friends, there is a slight problem with my beautiful singing voice, that being, I haven't got a beautiful singing voice. I can't sing.  When my daughter winced and then had a full fit of giggles as I reach my crescendo in a 'Spoonful of Sugar', I knew right then I had a serious problem (I think the dog howling was a little harsh).  

At some groups, I manage to mime. I've become a bit of a pro actually.   To the point where I think I could give a good show on Top of the Pops if they gave me a backing track.  At some smaller groups I whisper like a mouse or a very quiet person (which I am not).  At some groups I completely forget and as I join in with the fifth round of 'Happy Birthday', (there's always about 6 birthdays per week), I frustratingly wonder why it has to go up so bloody high and I hope to God the mum sitting crossed legged next to me didn't hear my rendition (she probably did and won't sit next to me again). 

But then, one fateful day at a baby group, my usual tactics failed me. The lady leading the session, who I shall now refer to as Simon Cowell, went around the circle and asked parents to choose what song the group should sing.  Now this is fine and dandy if you are sat to her right.  Oh yes, this is all bloody well and good if you are sat to her right.  Yes, lets sing, twinkle twinkle, wind the bobbin, baa baa black sheep, and the list goes on.  But, there isn't a infinite amount of nursery rhyme songs.  When the woman next to me suggested Little Miss Muffet, I knew we were scraping the barrel.  And then it was my turn. 'What song would you like to sing?', Simon asked.  All eyes were on me.  What I would like to have said is, 'You're bloody running the group, you pick the next song'. But I didn't. Even my little daughter turned to watch what song her mummy would sing with baited breath. 



I wracked my brains.  Ah-ha! Take this Simon I thought!! How about 'Down in the Jungle' I said.  Everyone just continued to look at me.  I had made a fundamental error.  No-one knew the bloody song.  I had got my groups muddled up and it was another group that we sang this song at. And what did Cowell do? Did she say, 'Oh never mind, lets sing Twinkle Twinkle again?'.  No.  No, she did not.  'Oooh lets hear it', she said. I cleared my throat and what happened next was the most painful minute and a half of my life and probably everyone else's.  I'm sure a few stray cats even wandered into the hall to join in at what they thought was the grand master cat screeching out a cat call.  I have never been so embarrassed or so red in my life.  Why didn't I just pick the Neighbours theme tune? At least people know that. 

Needless to say we have not returned, because quite frankly, if I want to make a t*t out of myself in front of a roomful of people I will just go and audition for the X-Factor.  Take heed, dear readers. These groups are not for the faint hearted.  Either be mentally ready with every nursery rhyme ever written, oh and sit to the leaders right, or you could always just belt out, 'Neighbours....everybody needs good neighbours....". 

Thanks for reading and I would love to hear any of your baby group disasters to make me feel a little better! 






28 comments:

  1. Oh bless you this made me howl with laughter - been there got the t-shirt so to speak and couldn't agree more with your points. Fab post x #brilliantblogposts

    ReplyDelete
  2. When I had Gwenn I very quickly became aware that I don't know a single nursery rhyme. My worst experience was at a sensory play session at Center Parcs where there were only 4 of us in the group and I had no way of covering the fact I couldn't recite "Wind the bobbin up" verbatim. xx

    #sharewithme

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh no! Poor you! I'm betting you probably know the words now! :-)
      Thanks for stopping by x

      Delete
  3. Heehee, oh the singing, I think I was horrified at my first Baby Sensory class when the first thing you had to do was sing Say Hello To The Sun song (I think thats what it was called). Everyone else knew all the words and sang away minting eye contact with their babies and doing the hand signals whilst I tried desperately not to laugh at the madness of it all! Fab post xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh yes...the say Hello to the Sun song I know only too well. I felt with that one the actions covered up my inability to hit a single note! :-) x

      Delete
  4. I am soooo rubbish at Nursery rhymes/kids songs. When Baby was born I had to google the words to Twinkle Twinkle! x

    ReplyDelete
  5. hahaha! Oh dear! I'm so sorry for laughing but this is so funny! It happened to me years ago.....lol
    Fab post x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It was traumatic at the time...but I can now look back and laugh (just!) x

      Delete
  6. You are hilarious! I bet you didn't sound bad though we always sound worse to ourselves than to everyone around us I promise you. I can't believe you sang it though I would have ran or said I forgot the words or something haahah Brave lady. hahah Thank you ever so much for linking up to Share With Me #sharewithme

    ReplyDelete
  7. Oooh, this is brilliant, hun! I am laughing so much (cringe, cringe!) Hubby is thinking I am going mad. The woman leading the group sounds pretty irritating. I didn't know a single nursery rhyme when I started going to playgroups and always found singing time embarrassing. 6 years on and I know a few :) x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I know...Simon was pretty mean right?! x

      Delete
  8. Haha, great story and love the photo. I do have one gripe though - "mother and baby groups" - come on, it's "parent and baby groups", us dads already feel isolated when we go along as the only bloke to these groups without being stricken from the name of the group :) I've found I don't really know many songs, so end up miming most of the time anyway, or just making up my own words haha :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dave how could I have not noticed that!
      All changed and post now reads 'parent and baby groups'. If dads have to listen to my wails/cat calls/singing then they should at least be recognised!
      Thanks for reading.

      Delete
  9. This really made me laugh (sorry!) #sharewithme

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. He,He! That's ok. I can laugh about it now too (just!)

      Delete
  10. I was in stitches reading this! I always found toddler groups so awkward! Fab for the kids to play together, but adults sat around doing the actions to the wheel on the bus whilst the children crawl around not at all interested, and and all the manic smiling, and having to resist the urge to tell other people's children off.....there was only so much I could take! Stevie x

    ReplyDelete
  11. This was hilarious. Maybe one of the reasons why I've never liked structured Mommy & Me type groups. Much better if you can just chat with the other moms about normal adult things while the babies play on blankets.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Lucas says - It would appear that you have the same condition as the Mother. She can't sing either but sadly, she doesn't know this yet............. judging by her rendition of the lovely Katy Perry's ROAR whilst cooking dinner.......... he he #sharewithme

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. He,he!
      Thanks for stopping by Luca :-) x

      Delete
  13. I LOVE Down in the Jungle - one of my faves and I'm certainly no Celine Dion either.......... I share your pain! #sharewithme

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Glad to hear you know it! I only wish you had been in the group!!! x

      Delete
  14. Baha, what a silly Simon Cowell, how can she and the others, frankly not heard of it. You should have said you'd rather not do a solo! Oh gosh, I would have said Drunk in Love by Beyonce haha! Thanks for linking up to #brilliantblogposts x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. He,he!!!
      Now why didn't I think of suggesting Beyonce! I have a feeling they would have skipped right past me then!!! x

      Delete