Saturday, 1 October 2016

A fail

Soooo the blogging every day in September didn't really go exactly to plan did it?  In fact, I don't think September has gone to plan at all. So I thought I'd just give up.  Not on life or anything extreme, but on blogging.  I literally couldn't face even turning my computer on. I didn't even know where to begin.  

As those of you who read my blog regularly know, I've flitted with the idea of ending this blog before, but somehow I always come back to it. This time felt a bit different though. 

I started to feel really uncomfortable with putting personal posts up.  I am such a private person in real life, my friends laugh that sometimes trying to get me to open up is like getting blood from a stone.  I know that as my audience has grown that people whom I wouldn't necessarily want to share private things with were logging on and reading which made me feel self-conscious about what I was typing.  

I also can't help but compare myself to other bloggers, which I know is ridiculous and I know you shouldn't do it, but sometimes, I just can't help it.  I see other bloggers who have blogged for much less time than me with their huge fan bases and book deals and at the same time as wishing them every success, I begin to question my own ability to write at all.  

And there's more.  A few people have commented that I don't sound happy in my blogs, that I come across down or sad, or full of self-pity, and that's not who I am at all.  I think that some of the topics I have blogged about recently have just been quite personal and I think they are always the best and rawest blogs I've written.  Those are the blogs that show the real feelings of being a mum, which isn't about being a perfect, happy person 24/7. 

And so here I am. 

Today I received an email from a reader that brought me tears.  I won't go into too much detail because it was very personal, but the person was actually thanking me for writing about LL's reflux.  They said I actually helped them get through some tough days they had and when they felt no-one was listening to them, they had read my blog and knew someone else was going through it too.  I can't thank that person enough for reaching out, because if this blog helps just one person out there, then I've done a good thing. That makes me feel like all the self doubt, the worries and people judging, is all worth it.  

And so here I am.  And I feel that I can't just end Laura Evelyn Bee abruptly.  I feel I owe it to this blog and also all the amazing readers I have to at least finish this part of our journey. 

In the words of Taylor Swift, haters gonna hate.  I can choose to stop blogging to avoid people's judgement and being my own worse enemy, or, I can hold my head up high and, well, shake it off.  For now, here's to shaking it off.