Wednesday, 14 September 2016

Some fresh air

Some days just don't go to plan.  Today was one of those days. 








What these photo's don't tell you is that we had an awful school drop off which stayed with me all day.  I managed to break a glass jar my husband had bought for me last year and Bee dropped a bowl and broke that too just for good measure.  

I needed to get out of the house.  Me, LL and Pablo T Dog went for a wander around a nearby hall and gardens.    

What these photographs further fail to tell you, is that as lovely as the fresh air was and beautiful the sky, I began to melt because it was so so hot and pushing a pram on grass is like a mini cardio workout. I then trod in sheep poo. Good times. 

I wonder when I look back at these pictures in years to come if I will forget all the drama and just think what a beautiful day it must have been, or whether I will actually recall the sheep poo and tears.     

Tuesday, 13 September 2016

Night feeds

A part of me feels like I will still be doing night feeds when LL is twenty.  She is now ten months, and thanks to horrendous reflux (which still isn't under control), I have at least two wake ups a night guaranteed when I'm up with here.  I guess this is the bit where I type that my body would still wake up if she slept through as I'm so used to it. Er, no, my body would go into a zombie-like state and I would actually SLEEP.  

The thing with night feeds is you suddenly have a few extra hours a day to play with. Now obviously you can't use your extra hours sleeping, cleaning (why the hell you'd want to do that is beyond me), or actually doing much.  You are stuck feeding this little person, so you are quite limited in what you can do.  When LL was really little, I was up so much, I actually got through a book every day.  Now however, I don't have the concentration for reading.  Instead, phone in hand, I have two very good friends I meet up with every night. Meet my shopping apps and Mr. Google. 

I love a bit of a shop at night.  Very occasionally, it depends on my mood, I also make internet purchases.  With a tap, tap, tap, I bought two winter coats from Zara last week. I also bought a bright yellow fisherman's jacket from Topshop.  To be honest, all items were returned as I resembled an IKEA bag in the fisherman's jacket and the coats didn't look as appealing as they did when I saw them at 4am. 

Some nights I'm not in the mood for a shop.  Some nights the only person I want to see is Mr. Google.  You would not believe the things I Google at night.  In the early days, it used to revolve around if I was a good mum (because obviously Google would know), and when the hell do babies sleep through (never).  Now, however, I've found myself Googling all of those annoying questions, that in reality, I wouldn't really care about, but at 4am, I need to know the answer to.  

Are they making a new series of Breaking Bad (no), can you bandit a marathon (no), how old is Beyonce (35), how do you write on children's water-bottles (there were alot of expensive tips...I'm using a sharpie), who is the Muppet who goes 'mimi' (Mimi).  I know, fascinating.  I also have extensive knowledge of the fire of London, the plague, black death and also Chernobyl.  I couldn't even tell you how I got onto these topics.  Light reading for 4am eh?   

During the day I can sometimes barely remember my own name, struggle to dress or brush my hair, but by night, I'm more up-to-date with fashion than Anna Wintour and more knowledgeable than Brian Cox (kinda).  Roll on 4am.  

Monday, 12 September 2016

Solo Sunday

My husband is currently away for the week so yesterday, me, Bee and LL popped into town. I had ordered four coats from various shops online and sadly I didn't want a single one of them (the downside of ordering clothes during 4am feeds is that sometimes my shopping clarity goes out of the window).  We returned all said items, and then for some reason I agreed that we could go to Pizza Express as a treat for Bee.  The girl adores Pizza Express.  

Now I'm pretty used to flying solo with the girls when my husband is away with work, but even for me, a sit down meal can be a little hectic on my own with them both.  Especially at the weekend in a very busy restaurant. 

Bee was an absolute dream though, and I have a feeling this post would be very different if she had decided to not be so good.  LL was good too, though decided she wanted a feed the minute we sat down and then she couldn't quite decide if she was happiest licking the highchair or bouncing on my knee, so we spent the meal juggling her between the two. But it was all good.  We survived.  And we all got fed and I didn't have to cook, so that seems like a win win to me. 

I always feel a bit self conscious when I'm out on my own and I have to feed LL.  I can't quite put my finger on why, as I love breastfeeding and I feel confident doing it now and I've fed her in restaurants, on planes, cars, museums, farms.  You name it, the girl has fed there (she loves her milk). I think my fears stem from if anyone said something to me whilst feeding, I'd feel less confident sticking up for myself if I'm on my own than if I was with someone.  I can remember Katie Price saying on Loose Women that she would feel uncomfortable if she saw someone breastfeeding in a restaurant, and comments like that don't exactly make me feel better when I'm on my own. I guess before people have judged me, I've already judged them and thought they might feel uncomfortable with me, which isn't exactly helping anyone. 

A young couple were sat near us and I thought they were judging me for sitting and breastfeeding in Pizza Express (based on nothing factual obviously). However, at the end of their meal, the girl came over and gave me a gift card as they had some money left on it and they thought that I may as well use it.  How kind and lovely.  

The fears I have are mostly in my own head and the lovely young couple weren't judging me at all.  At least not on breastfeeding. Maybe they gave me the card because they felt sorry for a mum attempting to eat a pizza with two small children, which to be fair, is no easy feat. But actually that's OK.  I totally had a pudding with their gift card, so judge away.


Sunday, 11 September 2016

The first week of school

We've done it, we have survived Bee's very first week of school.  I say we've done it because I think it has been a bit of a joint effort.  As a family we have had to get used to new routines and making sure we're out the door on time, fed, clean and dressed (with all of the right PE kit and books).  And it's gone OK, it really has.  

The first few days were a bit of a novelty for us all really.  The excitement of a new school, Bee had her brand new uniform to put on, new friends to meet and make. As the days have gone by, I can see she is getting a bit more tired in the mornings (we had to wake her up on Thursday which we never usually do), and there has been two mornings where she has been a bit reluctant to go into the school gates.  

I don't blame her to be fair.  As brilliant and exciting as school is, it's alot for her to take in and process.  She has to get used to the school day and going every single day Monday to Friday too, not to mention actually concentrating and learning. 

But she's doing OK and I'm so proud of her.

I don't know if it's silly to say or if it's in my imagination, but sometimes I look at her when she comes home and I see something different.  Something I can't quite put my finger on.  She seems that bit older than she did last week.  Although she's still my baby, I feel almost like she taken a baby step away from me, that she is growing and changing without me doing anything at all.  

I love hearing her edited version of the days events, which usually centres around what she has eaten for lunch.  But other snippets are coming through. She has been telling me about diagraphs (nope, not really any idea either), and space rockets and making sounds for the letters of the alphabet in a slightly different way than how I have taught her.  

Every night we look at her school reading book and I feel just as excited as her.  I really hope that never wears off.  I'd sort of prepared myself for the almost sad feelings of Bee's first day of school, and I hadn't really thought of much else.  After that initial sadness really comes pride and excitement and just wonder that this little person is learning oh so much.  

We have survived the very first week of school and now I feel our learning curve has only really just begun as we begin the daily Monday to Friday school term.  I'm looking forward to things settling down a bit and finding our own rhythm.  I'm officially a school mum! 



Saturday, 10 September 2016

Pretend Play

Pretend play isn't just for toddlers.  Sometimes as adults we fall into playing out a particular scene, because, well, sometimes going along with a lie is alot easier than explaining the truth. 

Maybe you have no idea what I'm talking about, and if that is the case, lucky you.  I, on the other hand, seem to find myself in strange situations, all of the time.  Let me explain. 

Today, I popped to Marks & Spencer with LL to get some food for dinner.  I needed a trolley as trying to carry LL and actually getting any shopping done I have learnt from past experience is just asking for trouble.  Having located a trolley with a child seat in, I found that the trolley already had someone's coin token in so I didn't need to put in a pound.  Great, I thought, I'll be taking that coin token later too. 

I did my shopping and loaded it into the car and then took the trolley back with LL.  As I had my hands full, it was a little tricky trying to get the token out.  As I was trying to do this, a lovely elderly couple came up to me and asked if I needed help.  Before I knew it, the woman was trying to get the token out for me.  Then the man was.  At this point, I probably should have confessed that the token was already in there so it really didn't matter, but for some reason, these words didn't escape my mouth.  Try as they might to release the token, it was not budging.  It then gets worse, someone else saw us struggling, and came over to try and get the token out. 

As the situation escalated and all three of them were trying to remove the token (that wasn't even mine) I told them not to worry.  I said I'd go inside to ask a member of staff to help me instead.  I quickly wandered inside with absolutely no intention whatsoever of asking someone to help me.  My plan was to do a quick walk around the frozen fish aisle and dive back into my car.  But, inside I saw all three lovely people who had been trying to help me.  

I then decided the best course of action (because I'm full of great ideas) would be to pretend my phone was ringing and act like it was an important call that needed to be taken outside.  Cue me looking concerned while walking swiftly to my car.  The shame. 

A quick pop to the shops suddenly ended with a mock phone call and Oscar winning acting skills.  I'd like to take this moment to apologise to the three lovely people who tried to help me.  I am a fraud. 

And the problem is, I have plenty more stories where this came from. These kind of situations just always seem to find me.  I would love to hear if you have ever done anything similar? Have you ever lied or pretended in public? Or is it just me? 

Have a great Saturday. 

Friday, 9 September 2016

The Milk Edit 09.09.16

I have found some lovely pieces for this week's The Milk Edit, and a few have already made it into my wardrobe.  The dress just below to the left, from Just Polly can be worn as a maternity dress but it also looks great if you're not pregnant as the belt pulls it in at the waist.  The button positioning is perfect for undoing to feed a hungry baba.  I also need to mention the Itat All Saints shrug which is just below in the centre. I bought this item last Autumn and never took it off.  It can be worn as a jumper or cardigan (clever), and it is perfect for breastfeeding discreetly and layering too.  You can see me attempting to model it here

I hope you enjoy this week's Edit, and I'm blogging every single day in September, so please do come and say hi! Thanks for reading,  


Thursday, 8 September 2016

A Reality Check

It's been a strange and stressful few days here.  With Bee starting school there has been new routines to get used to, drop off and pick-ups, making sure we have the right uniforms and equipment, all alongside pressures I place on myself to ensure everything is 'just right'. 

On Tuesday afternoon after I had picked up Bee from school, I was rushing around doing a mammoth list of things that I thought were important. Trying to clean tomato from Bee's school uniform, trying to prepare tea, trying to clean up, trying to keep LL happy.  I was just rushing around generally feeling stressed and wanting to be on top of everything and organised.  

Something happened that afternoon, which I won't go into now, but let's just say it stopped me dead in my tracks.  It gave me the biggest reality check.  All that stuff that I was rushing around doing, all the things that were whirring around in my head, really and truthfully, they didn't really matter.  They were all superficial things that I had given too much importance to.      

Yesterday, with the previous days events in my mind, I approached the afternoon a little differently.  I tried to organise my time a bit better in the day and so when it was time for Bee's school pick up, I wasn't rushing trying to do another 50 jobs at the same time. The three of us cuddled and played and read Bee's new book from school.

There is always a never ending list of jobs to do, but sometimes I think we give our list of jobs way too much gravity and significance. Faced with a situation that is truly far-reaching, everything else sort of fades into the background.  What you are left with are the very bare bones of what is truly important.  That those you love and safe and well.  

Wednesday, 7 September 2016

When are you having a baby?

When I was a teenager, I lost count of the amount of times well intentioned folk used to ask me when I was getting a boyfriend.  It was expected. They asked me very matter of factly, like it was expected of me and like I could offer up a valid reason, other than the simple fact that I used to date alot of complete idiots.  To be fair, I never really thought much of it, unless it was a Sunday night and I was home alone without a date. 

A few years passed and I'd met the most amazing Mr.Bee.  The question we'd get asked the most now, was when were we going to get married.  It was expected that this was the next stage of our relationship.  People again asked very matter of factly, and I wonder what response people were hoping to get. A date for the proposal so they could watch? A pre-dated wedding invite?  

Roll on another few years, and now I've been happily married to Mr.Bee for three years. Now everyone wants to know when we are having a baby. It is expected.  It is the expected next stage of our relationship.  They ask like I can give them a date.   

I can't tell you the amount of people that asked me this question. Strangers, family, friends.  One person reduced me to tears once as they stated that something was 'missing' from our little family as we didn't have a baby. 

But the truth be told, the question can be one of the most hardest to hear and respond to for a variety of reasons.  

What links all the questions I have been asked since being a teenager, is that in reality I was not able to exert any control over them happening to me at all.  The outcomes were born from luck, wishing, tears, science, love, chance meetings and a friends family BBQ.  

We might want things to go a certain way or wish for them, but in reality, with the topic of love, marriage and babies, all you can do is buckle up for the sometimes bumpy ride.

And the crux of the matter is, asking someone when they are having a baby usually cannot be answered simply.  Because firstly you are assuming the person wants a child.  You are then assuming that the person can get pregnant straight away.  And you are also assuming this deeply personal information is ready to be shared with you.  

And we really don't know half of the information.  We really haven't walked in any ones shoes but our own.  Having a baby is such wonderful and exciting news that you want to shout it from the rooftops.  But for some, it's a long, hard and slow road.  It may be a road that will lead to not having a baby.  It may be that they walked there of their own accord and not having a baby is their happily ever after.

Our society still holds a quite rigid view of how life should go, when in reality, life takes turns and twists you never expected. "When are you having a baby?" doesn't do the fragile and crazy thing that is called life justice.  As someone who was asked this question constantly long before I knew the joy of holding a positive pregnancy test in my hand, it was a question that I asked myself at least a hundred times a day.  I did not need to hear it from anyone else. 






      

Tuesday, 6 September 2016

Let's talk reflux

I haven't blogged about LL's reflux in a while and I think that might have been because at times I don't even know where to start with it. Sometimes I feel that we are managing it and other days I am at a loss and wonder if we're doing the right thing at all.  You can read about the initial reflux symptoms here and subsequent treatment here.  In my last post on reflux I wrote how we were trialling ranitidine twice a day, and so, here we are. LL is now 10 months.  

I was a bit sceptical of the ranitidine working to begin with to be honest, but it made such a difference.  From waking up at least five times a night, within 2-3 days, LL was only waking twice which was so amazing I can't tell you.  To actually sleep for more than 2 hours was the most wonderful thing.  LL also seemed happier in herself and began making more noises and babbling which she hadn't done before.  I really felt like we were turning a corner. 

And then came food.  At this point, we had tried weaning, but had stopped as it seemed to make LL's reflux even worse.  We hoped that on the ranitidine and with things settling down, weaning could eventually begin, albeit it a little late.  And this is where the cycle started.  

We would try LL on some foods, and then I would be up all night with her in pain.  No matter what food we tried, nothing seemed to make a difference.  From banana to peach to bread to vegetables, no matter what food group it was, LL just seemed to be in pain following it. And so the cycle began of not offering LL any food and exclusively breastfeeding her so she would become more settled, then reintroducing solids and her being unsettled again.  

After two months of this cycle, the GP referred us to a paediatrician whom we saw today. I felt there was some reluctance from the GP to refer, which has confused me somewhat.  I don't know if he felt LL's symptoms were manageable (in which case I blame myself for not being clearer on her discomfort) or he wanted to try and keep her treatment within the GP practice. Either way, after our consultation today we have a new plan.  We have a doubled dosage of the ranitidine with a review in two weeks.  

Along with LL's reflux I feel alot of guilt that this hasn't been sorted out earlier.  I feel as a mum and also as a health professional, I should have trusted myself from the start and maybe pushed for a paediatrician review.  I guess at the time I just really wanted and hoped that we could sort it out without needing to be seen at the hospital or needing stronger medication.  

Discussing LL's symptoms at length with the paediatrician, we really don't think it is dietary related as there is no food group that the symptoms are specific too, and it was reassuring to hear that she felt it was reflux too.  Even though all the symptoms point to that, it's nice to have an expert say it too.  

We will see.  I feel reassured that we are now under the care of the hospital and I just hope this means the end is in sight for reflux.  I know there are families going through much much worse and children much much sicker than LL, but I just want everything to be right for her and for her to be pain free.  This reflux journey has been long and hard. Fingers crossed we get there soon. 



Monday, 5 September 2016

Surviving the First day of school

So I've done it.  I've actually survived Bee's very first day of primary school.  It was emotional, it was weird and it was strange, but we survived.  I blogged all about the first morning drop off here.   Today though, I thought I'd share some tips on how to make your child's first day go smoothly.  I'm no expert by any means, but, as the first day is fresh in my mind I thought I'd share the things that worked for us. 

1. Get everything ready the night before
I know this sounds obvious, but this made such a difference to our morning running smoothly and I think it helped Bee to prepare herself for her first school day.  We laid out all of her uniform the night before (by the way make sure EVERYTHING is labelled...Bee lost her hat on the FIRST day!!!).  We put shoes and bags by the door ready.  I even thought about what I was wearing so I didn't waste 10 minutes staring vacantly into my wardrobe.  We also prepped a yummy breakfast the evening before and made strawberry shortcake overnight oats jars.  In the morning, we just took these out of the fridge and breakfast was ready instantly. 

2. Be positive
As parents when we feel stressed or nervous about something, that nervous energy tends to rub off on the little ones.  Try and be as happy and positive as you can about the school day, it really makes a difference. I found that Bee was quite intrigued about what I was going to be doing all day whilst she was at school, I made sure I told her it was going to be oh so boring at home and that I was just going to be cleaning all day (I totally wasn't), so she didn't feel like she was missing out.  Lots of smiles helped and I just acted like her first day was the most exciting thing ever. 

3. Treat yourself 
So you've got there on time and dropped your little one, and now you have approximately 7 hours until pick up time.  You might have to head to work or maybe you are going back home, but make sure you look after yourself a bit.  Even if you couldn't wait for your little angel to start school or you were reluctant and nervous, it's still a strange feeling on that very first day.  It's a new routine, new faces and I felt like it almost was my first day too.  Take care of yourself and be kind to yourself.  You raised that amazing little person who is now at school.  If that doesn't warrant a trip / online view at the Topshop website I don't know what does. 

4. Everyone feels the same
I just wanted everything to be right for Bee's first day.  I worried if her PE kit was right, was I right to put her in the Summer uniform and not the Winter? Were her hair bobbles right? Who would think that a professional who years ago was a competent nurse, would be reduced to worrying about the shade of her daughters tights.  It's all relative though, and you just want to do it all OK.  From talking to other mums at drop off, we all felt the same. 

5. Smile
I covered smiling on point 2, but this is about smiling at the other mums and dads at the school gates.  It dawned on me yesterday that like it or not you are going to be looking at these folk for some time to come, years even.  Now you haven't got to make best mates with them, but a smile will go a long way, and it's always good to have an comrade at the gates.  Don't smile too much though or you'll come across odd.  

6. Playground politics
I haven't encountered any of this yet, but its only day two.  But I've heard things. But whatever. Whenever you get a group of people together you will get on with some and others maybe not so much. Smile and be polite.  We're all there for the same reason.  And remembering the PE kit is too much drama for me already, I don't need anymore at the gates thank you.  

7.  Keeping shtum
When I collected Bee from school I couldn't wait to hear all about her day.  I wanted to know if she had made friends, did she learn anything, what did she play with,  what did she eat.  Bee on the other hand decided this information was classified from her mother who had spent most of the last four years by her side,  thanks Bee.  I did manage however, to ascertain that she ate her pudding before her lunch which she seemed pretty pleased about.  Anyway, don't expect much conversation at home time.  I think it's a mixture of exhaustion and feeling overwhelmed from the school day.  I'm hoping Bee at least will give me something other than pudding-gate at pickup today. 

There you have it.  My survival tips for the first day.  I hope if your little one is starting school this term they have an amazing first day, and for all it's weirdness, the very first day of school is absolutely fine.







Sunday, 4 September 2016

A little poem

Disclaimer: May cause crying
We were given this poem in a little welcome pack on Bee's first day of school and it not only summed up all the things I was worrying about, it made me realise that most other parents feel the same way too.  I don't normally share poetry on here, but today I thought I would as most schools start this week. 

Dear Teacher,
I know you’re rather busy
First day back, there’s just no time
A whole new class of little ones
And this one here is mine

I’m sure you have things covered
And have done this lots before
But my one is very little
He hasn’t long turned four
In his uniform this morning
He looked so tall and steady
But now beside your great big school
I’m not quite sure he’s ready
Do you help them eat their lunch?
Are you quick to soothe their fears?
And if he falls and hurts his knee
Will someone dry his tears?
And what if no-one plays with him?
What if someone’s mean?
What if two kids have a fight
And he’s caught in between?

You’re right, I have to leave now
It’s time for him to go
I’m sure he’ll learn so much from you
Things that I don’t know
Yes, I’m sure they settle quickly
That he’s fine now without me
I know he has to go to school
It’s just so fast, you see

It seems like just a blink ago
I first held him in my arms
It’s been my job to love, to teach
To keep him safe from harm
So, when I wave goodbye in a moment
And he turns to walk inside
Forgive me if I crumple
Into tears of loss and pride
I know as I give him one more kiss
And watch him walk away,
That he’ll never again be wholly mine
As he was before today.

By Emma Robinson of Motherhood for Slackers 

And this is the reply that Leonie Roberts wrote from a teacher to a parent, 

Dear Parent,

I understand that you are scared
to wave your child goodbye
and leave him in a teacher’s hands
don’t worry if you cry!


I’m used to weeping parents
It’s hard to leave I know.
But it’s time to share him (just a bit)
To help him learn and grow.
Let me reassure you
That I’ll give your child my best
I’ll wipe his tears, soothe his fears
And change his dirty vest!

If your darling child is full of cold
I’ll blow their nose all day
Just like you, I’ll care for them
In a special way.

I’ll treat him like I would my own
I’ll catch him from a fall and
If there is ANY problem
I’ll be sure to tell you all.

It’s true he’ll grow to love us
They’ll talk of school a lot
It doesn’t mean they hate you
And that you should lose the plot!

I’ll tell you a secret..
That when your child is here
They talk to me as much of you
Of this please have no fear.

You’ll always be their mother
Whilst teachers come and go
To them you are their number one
This I truly know.

Soon you’ll see some changes
In your little girl or boy
They’ll become more independent
And to see this, it’s a joy!

I’ll teach them all I have to give
To share, climb and to write
But to you they safely will return
To tuck them in at night.
You can read how our first day went here and tomorrow I am going to share my top tips for survival.  As overwhelming as it feels, it will all be fine, I promise, and apologies if you cried, I did warn you! Happy first day of school to all the little ones and their parents. 

Saturday, 3 September 2016

Blogtember 2016?

I normally have a least one hair-brained idea floating around my head at any one time.  We won't mention the London Marathon great idea I had (a month to go until I find out if I'm in), but floating about in my head recently has been whether to do Blogtember.  I last blogged every day back in December 2014, (that sounds like a very long time ago), and as hard as it was, it was also really fun and I felt a real sense of accomplishment.  

Bee has now started at school, and it's me and LL against the world in the day, which means I have the new luxury of actually having some time to myself if and when LL decides to take a nap.  So, I thought I might give Blogtember a go and see if I can blog my way through every single day in September.  It's not only fun to do but I think it also shows a bit more of me to you guys, and hopefully you will enjoy reading about my month of September too!  

If you have any requests for blog posts that you would like, then please feel free to pop a comment down below, or you can tweet or message me with any of the buttons to your right.  

I just want to say a big thank you for all of your support and the lovely messages I receive, it really means so much to me.  So, I guess I will be seeing you nice and early tomorrow (blogs go live at 6am) and let Blogtember commence!!!!

Friday, 2 September 2016

THE MILK EDIT 02.09.16

Happy Friday and welcome to another The Milk Edit.  Sorry there was no Edit last week, it was a bit of a manic week, but hopefully this week's pick's will make up for it. 

I've picked some gorgeous shirts that are perfect for cooler days and as we move toward Autumn and the dresses in this weeks Edit are perfect for wearing now, but will also look amazing paired with tights and boots for when it gets cooler too (which won't be long from now if you're in the UK). 

As always, all picks are breastfeeding friendly and have easy access to undo and feed. Enjoy!



Thursday, 1 September 2016

First Day

Well she's gone.  We've just dropped Bee off for her very first day at Primary School.  I kept it together.  I didn't think I would but I knew there was no way I was going to cry on the playground.  I promised myself I could cry in the car after drop off, but I didn't. I don't know if it's because I'd been holding back the tears for so long, or because I've planned for this day for weeks now.  


Bee did so well.  We walked her into the infants playground where she met her teacher. She held tightly onto my hand and we chatted about the other girls matching uniforms, how amazing the day was going to be, we wondered what she was going to eat for lunch and I promised her I'd pick her up at 3.30pm.  We had a big hug and then kissed goodbye as she lined up with all the other children in her class.  

The house is now so quiet.  There is definitely a Bee shaped hole here today.  

Even though Bee has been to pre-school, there's just something completely different about that first day of school.  It's a real milestone.  A real punctuation in all of Bee's life events that have passed and that are to come.  

I've felt really nervous for her all week, but as we left the playground I just knew she'd be OK.  And now?  I feel really proud.   That we actually did OK.  That all those times I Googled if I was parenting OK, all those times I questioned myself, the times I worried if I'd pickled her brain because I'd eaten some cheesecake when I was pregnant. It all turned out OK because Bee is the proof.  We've raised the most wonderful and kind and funny and amazing little girl.  

I wonder what she is doing now.  Who she is sitting next to.  How she is feeling.  And that's so strange to think about.  Because now there is going to be big chunks of her day that I know nothing about unless she tells me.  I won't be there to see something funny that happens or there to help her pick her lunch.  She has grown to have that independence away from me.  Albeit just during school for now.  

From when she was a tiny, tiny bunch of cells in my belly, born from months of hoping and wishing, to her first words, first crawl and first steps.  All along as parents we've been growing and teaching her to be independent from us.  To be able to function on her own. To take on the world without us.  Parenting is so bittersweet.  

I know I'm not the first parent to feel like this, nor will I be the last. If you look back and wish for the past all the time, you miss the amazing things right now. I'm excited for the things to come.  Of school plays and concerts, of learning to read and write.  I've got to get used to a new routine. Of making friends at the school gates.  New adventures to be had with LL and looking forward to school home times.   

I hope Bee know's how amazing she is.  And I hope she knows that she may be a school girl now, but she will always be my beautiful baby girl.