It's 6.30am and everyone is asleep. Well everyone in this house, apart from me. LL woke up at 5am and I just couldn't get back to sleep. We've had a really lovely weekend celebrating my husbands birthday, but it's been really busy. And it's on my mind that we have two more days until Bee has her very first day at school.
It's such a cliche to say, but I really don't know how she got to be so big. I can honestly remember lying in hospital, with this tiny new human beside me, thinking how my world had suddenly and amazingly and inextricably been turned on it's head with love for this tiny baby girl. There is something about having a child that really marks the passage of time. Their growth and almost daily changes really mark the time just passing by. Quietly and slowly, but passing by nonetheless.
And I worry if she will be OK. Me and Bee spend so much time together. I'm the one who knows when she is tired, can see the little cues if she feels overwhelmed. What if she doesn't ask to go to the toilet? What if someone is mean to her? Will she be able to manage to cut her lunch and manage a food tray on her own?
I know I'm not the first mum with a little one going to school and I won't be the last. Countless parents before me and after me have and will no doubt feel the same things I'm feeling.
I can remember when she had her first day at pre-school and that strange feeling of knowing we were on the cusp of something new. And here we are again. Almost about to begin a new chapter. A new chapter of new routines, new friends, trying to leave the house on time, PE kits and uniforms, teachers and school work.
Can you ever feel totally ready for their first day?
Ready or not, I have two more amazing days left of having Bee all to myself. Two more days of not having to be anywhere or do anything.
I may not be ready, but I'm not going to let Bee see that. I'm going to smile and pretend I'm ready. I'm going to hold her hand and tell her it's all going to be OK. That this is the start of an amazing adventure, her amazing adventure. One that I can't be right next to her for, but one where I will be just a little bit behind her, always there if she needs me. Always.