So first up, before we get into this, I should do a little disclaimer. I have had sleep problems since I can remember. Sleep problems that I will save for another time, and thankfully are much improved now, but sleep problems nonetheless. At night time, it would appear that I save up all of my anxieties and the minute the lights go off, they replay in my mind. This is amplified a million times when my husband is away at work. And yup, my husband is away at work at the moment. Mr Bee if you are reading this, yes I'm dying to see you, but I also can't wait for you to come home so I can get a bloody good night's sleep. This is what happened last night.
Check all doors and windows are shut. Even that window that I can't reach without a stool and I haven't actually opened since we moved in (5 years ago). Safety first.
Go to bed. Yep, I know this is astonishingly early, but I find I can sleep better if it isn't that dark outside. I know I am weirdo. Don't judge, because this blog post gets worse.
Did I shut that window? Yes, yes I did. Now go to sleep Laura.
I forgot the safety gates. I shut both the bottom and top safety gates on the stairs. Because everyone knows a burglar wouldn't be able to undo the gates. Safety first.
Can't get to sleep.
It's getting quite dark. I should go to sleep now.
I might just think of my escape plan if there was a fire. I think I would throw Pablo the dog out of the window first. Would that break his legs? Maybe. Maybe I would throw a mattress out first. Would my mattress fit out of the window? No. I would throw my daughters toddler bed mattress out of the window first, then throw the dog and then jump out with my daughter on my back and hope I land on my feet.
Stop thinking of stupid scenarios and go to sleep.
In case of a burglar, I would lock myself into my daughters bathroom with my daughter and ring the police. What about the dog? Could he defend himself? No, he might be used as a hostage by the burglar. I will take the dog and daughter with me. And my mobile phone.
Go to sleep.
No, I think I might just try and climb down the drainpipe. Would the drainpipe take my weight? Would my arms even take my own weight? What about the dog? I'd have to throw the mattress out of the window first.
Bloody hell I am weird. Now go to sleep.
It's too dark. I think I might leave the en-suite light on. Any potential burglars/hostage takers/murderers will think someone's awake and won't come in.
No, the light's too bright. I'll turn it off and just go asleep. Adults don't think such stupid thoughts. I am an idiot.
I think I need the light on. It's too dark. Maybe I will just put my bedside light on for a little while.
What was that noise? (Put all lights on and completely wake self up. Return to bed).
I'll just have a run through of fire and hostage situations so I know what to do.
Start to doze.
What was the noise? (All lights go on). No, now I can't hear it.
What was that noise? (All lights go on). No, now I cant' hear it.
It's a bloody dog barking. Who puts their dog out at 2am and let's it bark!!!! At least all potential burglars will be deterred from the stupid barking dog.
Awoken by the milkman (he's not in the house or anything, I can hear his cart on the street). Why does his stupid cart have to be so loud. I just want to sleep. But on the plus side burglars won't be hanging about outside as the milkman's doing his round.
It's starting to get lighter and I am really tired...fall asleep....
Bang at the door. "Morning mum!!! Wake up! Wake up!!! I'm hungry and I need a wee!!!!". ARGHHHHHHH!!!!
I wish I could laugh along and say that this example is a little joke. The sad thing is, it actually happened and I have a feeling will happen until my husband's return. I am sharing it in the vain hope other people out there feel the same way when they are home alone. Or maybe its just me. I am also sharing it under the premise that no-one calls me a weirdo - I really don't need that pointing out to me. As I said, it's like the lights go out and my imagination runs wild. But don't feel too sorry for me, I think I am used to it now. I have a really great concealer and escape scenarios planned for a zombie attack, earthquake and street riot if you are interested.
Anyway, comments are always welcome below (remember no name calling), and thanks for reading,